Bachelorette Thoughts

I don’t know if I can handle this…the first episode is always full of people lookin’ like a fool.  Cheesy lines and attempts to get the First Impression Rose are always painful to watch.   I cringe and groan when it’s the women desperately vying for the Bachelor’s attention, but I feel like it’s even worse when the men are trying to impress the Bachelorette.  Double standard?  You betcha.   It’s not that I’ve never seen a guy do something completely idiotic to make an impression on a woman (I mean, really, I’ve been to high school and I’ve gone to frat parties…men to a lot of dumb stuff to impress chicks and their friends).  But for some reason, the guys on this show end up sounding so fake.  Wait…what?  The guys/girls on the Bachelorette /Bachelor franchise can be fake?!?!?!?!  Hold the phone!  (This is where that “sarcasm font” would come in handy.)  Let’s just see how much of this introductory episode I can watch without throwing something at the TV. 

Emily:

I want to hate you, I really do.  You’re pretty much that southern blonde beauty that is the worst nightmare of 98% of the women in America.  But dang it, I can’t help but still want to be your friend!!  So begins my love/hate relationship with The Bachelorette…damn you ABC! 

Dudes that get their own intro piece:

Kalon – Modern Southern Gentleman?  How about Modern Southern douche bag. 

Ryan – Looks like a muscular Joey Tribiani with a weird fauxhawk thing going on.

Tony – Who has two thumbs and a lot of baggage?  That guy.  Bonus – gratuitous shot of dude doing pull ups.

Lerone – Look, ABC is trying to prove it’s diverse in it’s bachelor selection!  Double bonus – ANOTHER gratuitous shot of dude doing pull ups!!

David – oh Lord, no singing, please.  You’re on this show for your music career AND you’re trying to prove your smart by using lots of big, fancy sounding words.  “Ineffable”… “well postured”… “quintessence”… “disparate facets that ultimately converge”…we get it, you’ve read a thesaurus recently.

Charlie – Brain injury guy.  Emily better watch out that dog might eat her.

Jef – one “f” in the name?  Really?  What’s up with the Doo-Wop hairdo?  Bruno Mars wannabe perhaps?

Arie – Race car guy…don’t try to look sexy walking in your big, padded, racing onesie.

Blah blah blah, talking to Chris Harrison about life, love, loss, yada yada yada.  I’m bored.  How awkward is it to try to talk like normal when there are lights and cameras and boom mics in your face??

Limo & dudes arrive:

Not all will be named here, just ones I pass immediate judgment on.  Normal awkward hugs/opening comments.  Jackson just quoted Hitch while down on his knee (oh brother).  Joe looks like he might be on crack.  Chris from Illinois…we don’t need a life story in your introduction.  Aaron, ditch the glasses…oh wait…no put them back on.  Jef…really?  Really???  Can I punch him yet?  Also, is he 12??  Stevie the DJ…oh gosh.  Charlie…you  might be my fave so far b/c you totally just made fun of Stevie the DJ.  Oh Tony…no no no.  You trying to get a date with Emily, not her 7 year old daughter.  Randy…you are creepy in a Norman Bates kind of way.  Randy…ACCOUNTANT!!  SHOUT OUT!!!  John  “all my friends call me Wolf”…how many of those friends actually exist?  Travis with an egg…dumb.  Michael, cut your hair (personal preference here, he actually doesn’t seem terrible).  Alejandro (allie allie haaandro…Lady Gaga where you at?).  Ryan has a pretty thick neck.  Aaaaand the helicopter…Kalon.  “Luxury Brand Consultant” is listed as his occupation…I don’t think that’s a REAL job.  It’s like listing your occupation as “Mr. Fancy Pants”…in fact I think I’d like him better if he did that.

Rest of the show/discussions with the dudes:

Does anyone else find it off putting to hear guys gossip?  This is another reason I don’t usually watch The Bachelorette.

Chris has a BOBBLE HEAD of himself?  I’m trying to decide if that’s awesome or awful.  But she thinks he’s really good looking?  Huh??  He looks kind of like a cartoon character…a cartoon character that is a jerk and that’s not the “bad guy” but not the “good guy”.  Jef…I hate your hair so much it hurts…it hurts more than the fact that you only have on “f” in your name.  Emily seems really into you though.  Weird.  Doug, playing the single father card…well played, my friend, well played.  Arie…you’ve got something pretty major in common with her...I’m not sure how I feel about you (you seem a little too smooth for my liking) but I think you have some staying power.  DJ Stevie and Kalon are gonna get into it…sweet.  Battle of the douche bags?  If they could both take each other out that’d be super.  

Roses:

SPOILER ALERT!  TURN AWAY IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW!

Doug (first impression), Chris, Ryan, Kalon, Arie, Charlie, Jef (it literally pains me every time I type his name), Nate the Accountant, Sean (Dallas, holla!), Joe, Kyle, Aaron, Alejandro, John (AKA Wolf), Alessandro, Michael, DJ Stevie, Tony, Travis (the egg guy). 

I hate watching the guys talk to the camera on the first night as they leave.  You didn’t have a deep meaningful connection with the gal, you just met her once.  You’ll be ok, I promise. 

SIDE NOTE NOT RELATED TO THE BACHELORETTE:

Go Thunder!  I hate the Lakers so much and Ron Artest (I refuse to call him by his moronic changed name) is a complete jerk face.  Yeah, I said jerk face, because I think even an 8 year old would recognize the jerkiness of his actions.  Jerk.